In Pursuit of Authenticity
That word authenticity gets scattered into our everyday language as often as the British weather changes … you’ll find it in almost every set of leadership competencies but what it means is a tricky one. I often hear people say “I couldn’t bring my whole authentic self to work I’d get fired”, or “I am one person at home and one person at work”, and in many cases they’re right. If I rocked up to a client meeting in the same way I sit and chat with a group of my closest girlfriends on a Friday night, it probably wouldn’t be good!
So, what do we mean by this catch-all word, authenticity?
I believe we are talking about the difference between our relationship with ourselves and our external behaviour, we are also talking about congruency.
As Shakespeare says in those wonderful few lines from Hamlet
‘This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.’
Understanding authenticity starts with yourself.
That relationship is grounded in a true understanding of what is important to you – the unfiltered truth about what really matters most. Here comes another word that has been drizzled into our everyday language and had its meaning diluted …values. Rather than limiting yourself to some words that pop up on a google search for ‘values’, actually ask yourself “what is most important to me?”.
We can get caught up in self-judgment when we have this self-conversation e.g. what would people think if they saw money at the top of the list instead of integrity? Who cares? No-one needs to see your list of what matters most to you, and ‘money’ could mean financial security, or safety, or lifestyle,; it’s not always about cash.
What is important is recognising that these meaningful things guide us consciously and unconsciously every day, they influence our decisions and our choices, they make us feel comfortable when they are met and uncomfortable when they are compromised. They drive our behaviour right from our inner core to the outer experience others have of us, although the connection between the two may not be clear for others to see especially when we are not congruent. Don’t underestimate our human ability to sense when someone isn’t lining up, it’s rarely shared in the words they speak but we feel it and it is one of the greatest contributors to mistrust. It is also exhausting to work against what matters most to you, and to be incongruent. This ‘man in the mirror’ conversation does come with a bit of a warning, when you get truly honest with yourself you may bring things to the surface which need to change, some may be small adjustments, and some may be more significant.
Given all that, there is also the recognition of context – the ability to adjust our behaviour appropriately for the environment or circumstances we are in without losing the inner connection to our core. This is where authenticity and emotional intelligence share similarities. EQ starts with understanding and recognising the emotions we are feeling, authenticity starts with understanding what drives us. The recognition and acknowledgement of these things allows us to make choices as to how we respond and behave, which ultimately influences how others experience us.
Just like EQ, authenticity requires us to balance our inner and outer self. We must be able to flex our responses and behaviour in a way which is acceptable to the situation, whilst holding true to what sits at our core. It’s like adjusting the brightness on a screen, the picture remains the same just sometimes the brightness varies depending on where you are. If the picture disappears altogether or becomes so modified that the original is impossible to see, you’re likely to have lost that connection with your core. It’s worth noticing when that happens and reflecting on how you can prevent it from reoccurring.
If you want others to experience the authentic you then start by getting yourself aligned. What matters most to us is our acknowledgement of our inner drivers, what matters most to others is how we show up and the impact we have on those around us. You can be ambitious and empathetic, you can be financially secure and kind, you can be powerful and respectful…but you must be aware of your inner self and your outer world.
Here are 3 things to get you started…
GET HONEST WITH YOURSELF
Find a quiet place, a pen and some small pieces of paper. Ask yourself “what is most important to me?” then let your pen do the writing. As each thing comes to you, write it on a separate piece of paper. Once finished spread the pieces of paper out and reflect on them.
GET TO KNOW WHERE YOUR BOUNDARIES ARE: WHAT’S A STEP TOO FAR ON THE COMPROMISE LADDER?
Once you know what’s important to you, look at how they show up &think about times when you have felt ‘in flow’ and times when things have felt tough – what do you notice about these times and your inner drivers?
KEEP YOUR IMPORTANT THINGS CLOSE TO YOU
Find somewhere you can see them – it may be a post it note in your home office, a note on your phone or the first page of your notebook – and when you feel that your boundary of compromise is being stretched uncomfortably, look at them and re-orientate yourself, then choose how you want to move forward.